The Wild, The Innocent, & The Cunt Street Shuffle

Watch

2008-09-24T22:14:00.000-07:00

Wolverines

2008-08-27T20:39:00.000-07:00

I have a new strategy.

Recently, I completely lost it on the phone with a Customer Service Representative from a Large, Evil Financial Institution. After wrestling back and forth for weeks over some BULLSHIT retro-active interest applied to my account, I made a final call with the intention of firmly and politely giving them a piece of my mind. What followed was a shouted, expletive-laden tirade that surprised even me. And you know what? It WORKED. They ate the charge.

From now on, I think this is how I'm going to deal with every customer service situation. For example:

Customer Service Drone- "Can I help you, sir?"

MFDC- "I hope you get skull-fucked by a wolverine."

Customer Service Drone- "Excuse me, sir?"

MFDC- "I hope you get hit by a bus, which knocks you in front of a train, which slices you in half, leaving just enough life in your severed body so that realize you are being skull-fucked by an entire pack of rabid, syphilitic wolverines."

Customer Service Drone- "Thank you, please drive around to the second window."

Life is about to get a lot more... cathartic.

Blogcation. I'm On One.

2008-07-24T09:03:00.000-07:00

Buy

2008-05-27T15:47:00.001-07:00

Bunker Mentality

2008-05-18T14:45:00.001-07:00

I Know, I Know.

2008-04-25T18:31:00.000-07:00

Words

2008-04-16T23:02:00.000-07:00

Not so much lately. Subject? Verb? Eh.

I'm fine. How are you?

Saturday

2008-03-23T12:37:00.000-07:00

Base 10

2008-03-05T20:14:00.000-08:00

I came to Los Angeles in March 1998 with the burning desire to become a jaded, miserable starfucker with no individual identity whatsoever. Sadly, I failed.

While I wanted to write a lengthy piece about the personal significance of ten years in Hollywood, the only things going through my head right now are:

"Fuck, I HATE being sick. Fuck. FUCK."

-and-

"I have gas. Fuck."

So if you're near some alcohol, drink a shot for me, and open a window.

Breakfast

2008-02-08T08:59:00.000-08:00

In 2002, "breakfast" would have consisted of 3 Winston Lights.

Today, I had granola with almond milk.

Logical Conclusion: Aging turns you into a hippie douche.

Catch-Up

2008-02-02T11:49:00.000-08:00

Hola, Cunts!

I've been quite the Douchey McWorkface lately.

Here's a few tidbits-

New Music

Do you like Rs? And K's? And buying vowels? Then check out Rurik. I recorded and mixed a few songs with these guys for their new CD (along with MFDC-bud Jay Baumgardener . It just came back from mastering (Ted Jensen @ Sterling Sound) sounding spec-fucking-tacular.

Math-Core Gods Ketaset are pressing their 5-song EP and in preparation for a series of So-Cal shows. It was recorded and mixed over a period of years for a total budget of $3.26, most of which was spent on laxatives for me. Prepare to be skull-fucked in 15/8, bitches.

And this is fun.

Blackberry Curve

I am a hardcore Apple guy, and the iPhone is SEXY. It is a MOIST little technological love-monkey and I WANTS it. But...

a. I hate, hate, HATE AT&T.
b. No copy and paste? Are you fucking KIDDING me?
c. Battery not replaceable by the user.
d. Memory not upgradable. 8MB is jack shit.
e. The Curve does EVERYTHING the iPhone does (including Wi-Fi) and MORE, in an admittedly uglier and less elegant fashion.

Sigh. Maybe next time.

brb

2008-01-15T21:19:00.000-08:00

Working, brb.

I Win At Boyfriending

2008-01-03T19:54:00.000-08:00

I got engizzaged.

Also? My niece and nephew are still motherfucking AWESOME!

More later, including why I bought a Blackberry Curve instead of an iPhone.

Woot.

Niece + Nephew = Awesome

2007-12-18T11:46:00.001-08:00

w00t

2007-12-12T07:34:00.000-08:00

Nearly 2 years ago, I posted this entry on my front page-

1.16.06 MFDC has declared 2006 to be "The Year Of 'Woot.'"

And now?

Websters has awarded the word "w00t" their award for Word of the Year.

I am so far ahead of my time that there is a flux capacitor up my ass.

WOOT.

----------------

Sigh.

I have been "tagged," and not in that cool way where zoological scientists would track my migration patterns.

Zoologist #1- Where's MFDC today?
Zoologist #2- Quizno's. AGAIN.
Zoologist #1- (Pause) Are you serious?

Here's what I have to do-

1. Link to the person that tagged you, and post the rules on your blog. (OK, fine.)
2. Share 7 facts about yourself. (OK, fine.)
3. Tag 7 random people at the end of your post, and include links to their blogs. (Fuck no... everyone I know already has this blog-AIDS.)
4. Let each person know that they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog. (N/A, blog-AIDS)

Seven Random Facts-

1. In the 1996 Presidential Election, I voted for Bob Dole. Even given everything that's happened since, I don't feel too bad about it.
2. I can randomly quote any line from the 1983 episode of Doctor Who The Five Doctors. "It was all part of Rassilon's trap to find out who wanted immortality... and put him out of the way."
3. I originally started wearing Mandles™ on the advice of a physician.
4. In March 2008, I will have been in L.A. for 10 years.
5. This is the computer I used throughout college. It was hopelessly outdated even then, but it worked! I typed ALL my shit on it.
6. I am part of the problem. (See: Music Industry)
7. I don't really like revealing things about myself, which is why I procrastinated so long in making this list.

You are now all dumber for having read this blog entry, I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

It's About The Hard Walk

2007-12-07T11:25:00.001-08:00

I'm working on my "tagged" post. Grumble grumble.

Until that's done, I thought I'd share a lyric I've been obsessed with lately-

"It's about the good walk
And the hard walk
And the young girls you made cry
It's about make a little music every day 'til you die...
It's beautiful ride."

-Dewey Cox, from Walk Hard: The Deluxe Exclusive (Motion Picture Soundtrack)

Isn't it?

BTW, go see Walk Hard when it comes out, unless you're some kind of humorless twatface.

That is all.

It's December...

2007-12-01T12:28:00.000-08:00

...and that means it's officially ON, motherfuckers!

Merry Xmas from Dan Certa on Vimeo.

Quote of the Day

2007-11-28T16:34:00.000-08:00

"Inertia + Mass = Pain. It's science."

-mfdc

Worky Work

2007-11-19T21:58:00.000-08:00

Courtesy of MOB

Could I possibly get any balder? There's a fucking SKIN FJORD encroaching on my headspace.

Play This. Now.

2007-11-11T23:02:00.001-08:00

Unknown Country Singer Has Amazing Voice - Watch more free videos

Quote of the Day

2007-11-05T10:02:00.000-08:00

"Scientists believe that 2/3 of the human body is made up of water. I believe that 2/3 of most human bodies are made up of douche."

-mfdc

Doug In Nosara

2007-10-30T14:25:00.000-07:00

The Backstreet Boys' Unbreakable came out today with my credit reading "Doug Certa." Awesome. It's been a while since I've had a credit typo. This is probably the first since I was thanked on Linkin Park's Hybrid Theory as "Dan Cetera." Doug is the man who will fight for your honor. Woot.

Anyhoo.

I just returned from my first real vacation in a very long time, and here's the photographic evidence!

If you're too lazy to look at all of them, here's the highlight, a dog eating a dead horse. Don't say Doug never did anything for you.

New Niece + Preview

2007-10-28T17:19:00.000-07:00

My new niece is awesome and hairy. Mostly awesome, but pretty hairy too. Welcome to Earth, Maren Elisabeth.

And Coming Soon, The Costa Rica Blog!

Costa Rica Preview from Dan Certa on Vimeo.

Still Life

2007-10-08T21:35:00.000-07:00

Quote of the Day

2007-10-03T15:12:00.000-07:00

"Sadly, I am the General Petraeus of Electronic Battleship."

-mfdc

MFDC's BBQ Chicken Chunks

2007-09-18T20:36:00.000-07:00

So I TOTALLY cooked tonight.

Due to the inability of a certain electronics manufacturer *coughcoughMAGMAcough* to deliver their new product in anything remotely resembling a timely fashion, and also due to the inexplicable back-order of Logic 8 (I FINALLY decide to dive into that incomprehensible piece of shit, and now I have to wait?), I have been forced to find creative ways to fill up my enforced downtime. All of my software has been updated, systems debugged, new gear installed, old gear UN-installed, all the usual porn sites browsed, etc., but eventually I needed some novel new THINGY to focus on.

I have taken lately to buying and sometimes prepping the dinner food while MFDG is working out after work. I can chop broccoli like a pro, y'all. Today I had a crazy idea: why not COOK the food too?

So how the fuck do I do that? I "pre-heated" the oven to 350˚ (Fahrenheit, natch,) because I remembered that the DG once did the same thing. What was she cooking? I don't know. But 350˚ is pretty fucking hot, so I figured it would cook the chicken pieces one way or another. At the same time, I boiled some Brita water for the French Beans I bought. What makes them French? I don't know. They're skinny and presumably against the war.

I have to say it turned out pretty good!

WOOT!

Haiku of the Day

2007-09-04T23:47:00.000-07:00

We got fucking LOST.
Then? We went and saw pandas!
I took some pictures.

New Awesomeness

2007-08-21T15:01:00.000-07:00

A brand new baby panda was born at the San Diego Zoo on August 3. I'm providing these screencaps as a scientific public service and not because THEY ARE THE CUTEST FUCKING THING IN THE HISTORY OF EVERYTHING EVER.

Worky 81707

2007-08-17T12:33:00.001-07:00

The Lord Jesus Doesn't Want Me To Work Out

2007-08-07T20:19:00.000-07:00

When I first started going back to the gym, I bought a sweet-ass lock that used letters instead of numbers for the combination. Naturally, I programmed the combination to be C-U-N-T.

I LOST IT. FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK.

Even before I lost The Cunt Lock™, I left my bottle of water at home, an engine light went off in my car, and then not one but TWO douche-nozzles ganked Bally's parking spots from me.

Thank God for $5.99 bottles of shiraz from Ghetto Ralph's in NoHo.

AND? I got a USB-hub shaped like a motherfucking TARDIS. Eat my shit, Despair!

Throne Of The Gods...

2007-07-20T12:46:00.000-07:00

...and I ain't talkin' about a solid-gold toilet with heated seats, either.

In celebration of the new NoHo digs, I did something good for myself (and my relentlessly aging back) and bought a Herman Miller Aeron Chair.

Studio-dwellers will be very familiar with this chair. It's been the de-facto standard in recording studio furniture for over a decade. Recording engineers tend to spend large chunks of time sitting on their asses, so ergonomic chairs are a must.

The one I bought was floor model, so it was discounted enough to get some extras installed. First of all, Deep Carpet Castors-

To the left is the standard castor, which I guess is fine for women or MTF trannies. To the right is the Deep Carpet Castors, which will allow me to roll around the entire apartment while laughing with glee. And I WILL, too.

The pre-assembled chair looks like this-

Another option I had put on was the PostureFit back support, because let's face it, I'm OLD. I had a hell of a time getting the support wire through the mesh-

Here's the installed PostureFit-

Finally, behold The Best Chair Ever In The Entire History Of The Human Race™-

I'm sitting in it as we speak, and I can say that the only better place for my ass is Deebo's hands.

Woot!

MFDC + Bally's = OUCH

2007-07-11T20:53:00.000-07:00

Sometime around November 2006, a combination of illness and severe workiness managed to sidetrack the momentum of regular workouts that I had maintained for the previous 3 years. While thankfully I haven't gained any significant weight (due in no small part to MFDG's Diet Makeover™,) I still have been feeling low-energy and out-of-shape.

Having completed the recent move to NoHo (random note: I'm going to refer to North Hollywood as "NoHo" from now on because it's fun to say it. Try it: NoHo. NoooHooooo,) I decided to join a new gym. Part of the deal at Bally's is that you get a free session with a personal trainer when you join, so I suited up, grabbed my water bottle and got ready to sweat like John Belushi in Vegas in July.

I should have sensed something was wrong when I was greeted by my trainer, a perfect Aryan physical specimen by the name of Gunther. Gunther did his best to politely conceal his contempt for my weak girlie-man shape as he asked me the perfunctory basic questionnaire.

Gunter- "So, Dave, what are your Fitness Goals™?

MFDC- "It's Dan. I would like to not look and feel like a ginormous tub of shit."

Gunter- "Could you be more... specific, Damian?"

MFDC- "Imagine, Gunther, a large, classically beautiful clawfoot tub with brass fittings filled to capacity with fresh feces. My Fitness Goal™ is like to not look and feel like that."

Gunter- "OK, Devin, let's get started!"

And man did we get started. I did all manners of squats, pulls, squat-pulls, pull-squats, and ssssssstttttttrrrrrreeeeeettttccccccchhhhhhheeeeeeesssssssssssss. I asked Gunther half-jokingly how long he'd been a guard at Abu Ghraib. By the end of it I was sweating in the afore-mentioned John Belushi style and breathing like Darth Vader with hay-fever.

BUT.

I'm still going back tomorrow. Where'd that Advil go?

Woot.

Worky

2007-07-03T13:18:00.000-07:00

MFDSimpson

2007-06-28T22:22:00.000-07:00

Create your own. Now.

Random

2007-06-17T22:25:00.000-07:00

MFDC Buys A Suit

2007-06-09T15:23:00.000-07:00

The last time I bought a suit was in 1992. In fact the FIRST time I bought a suit was in 1992. It was for the Homecoming dance that year, and I think I got it at Sears. My hair was down to my shoulders, my glasses were thick, and dammit, I looked GOOD.

Fast forward 15(!) years, and the I'm accompanying MFDG on the last stop of the the Everyone On Earth Is Getting Married Tour '07™, which led to the following exchange-

MFDG- "You need a suit for Cindy's wedding."

MFDC- "Why?"

MFDG- "Because the men will be wearing suits."

MFDC- "Huh?"

MFDG- "A suit. AND. TIE."

MFDC- "Can I write it off?"

MFDG- "Get in the car."

So we hopped in the Passat and headed to the one place I would feel comfortable buying a suit. A place where a man with dulcet tones and a sweet beard has assured me in countless television commercials that "You'll like the way you look." The Man- George Zimmer. The Place- Men's Warehouse.

A nice man with a nice suit helped us. MFDG took great pains to explain to him that my usual attire was jeans and t-shirts, that I would likely only wear the suit once, our general price range, and Oh, it should be Charcoal Grey. The nice man in the nice suit nodded and smiled and pulled the appropriate items off of the racks. I tried them on, and a nice lady measured the arms and legs and made chalk marks (for "alterations," whatever those are.)

Next, shirt and tie combinations. The nice man brought out a selection of shirts and ties, some of which were blue. Now longtime readers will know how I feel about blue button-down shirts. I spent years scraping and clawing, mercilessly demoralizing and destroying competitors, working 12-hour days and 7-day weeks making Hits For The Kids™, all for the right to NEVER. EVER. Wear a blue button-down shirt. And I DON'T. Bitches.

Once I picked a couple of nice earth-tone shirts and a neutral-ish tie, we checked out and the nice man in the nice suit told us to come by on June 18 to pick up the "altered" suit.

You know what else happens on June 18? My triumphant return to the Los Angeles County Criminal Justice System in "Jury Duty 2: Eat My Justice."

Macro Test 1

2007-05-24T21:56:00.000-07:00

Downtime lolcats

2007-05-22T18:00:00.000-07:00

Like Deebo, I'm at somewhat of a loss as to what to blog about recently.

Here's all I got-

a. I really like this website, and if you make fun of me about it I swear I will shove your face into a flatulent elephant's ass.

b. I'm about to upgrade my trusty Olympus D-535 Zoom to a Canon PowerShot A710. The gear-whore in me considered something much fancier, but MFDG correctly pointed out that giving me an expensive camera would be like giving a retarded monkey Pro Tools HD Accel. The 710 WILL be an enormous improvement just because of the image stabilization. My hands shake like a fucking lush.

How are you?

Quote of the Day

2007-05-07T21:03:00.000-07:00

"What? I can be all, you know, NURTURING and shit. What are you laughing at?"

-mfdc

Am I So Much More?

2007-04-27T23:22:00.000-07:00

Autotune Idol

2007-04-16T00:15:00.001-07:00

Live Blogging-Universal City Fire 3/30/07 Pt.2

2007-03-30T22:19:00.000-07:00

Still smoldering... that's the spotlight from a fire-fighting helicopter up top.

Live Blogging-Universal City Fire 3/30/07

2007-03-30T15:54:00.000-07:00

Here's my smoke-filled neighborhood-

The Bloomington Dream

2007-03-26T15:19:00.000-07:00

I have a recurring dream.

About once a month for the past several years, I have had a dream that I'm back in Bloomington, Indiana, where I went to college. Of course, it's never as straightforward as that. There's always a healthy dose of "dream logic." For example-

a. The dream, without fail, is set in Bloomington, but it never LOOKS like Bloomington. In last night's episode, Bloomington looked like some kind of post-modern Hogwarts, black and angular. Another time, it was a cross between the Hollywood hills and a Disney-cliche version of an Arabian bazaar, complete with carpets and monkeys. Once, Bloomington looked like the landscape of Grand Theft Auto 3 but rendered in REAL LIFE. I only remember one instance of the setting being correct, when I emerged from the slow-ass hydraulic orange elevator onto the 4th floor of the MAC.

b. No one who I actually went to college with ever appears in the dream. Occasionally the plot includes a sequence where I'm "going to see" Wayne Jackson, but it's never revealed why, and I never actually see him. (FYI, Wayne is the guy who, in one of my early audio classes, said something to the effect of, "Gain Structure & Signal Flow. That's pretty much the rest of your life." To this day, the truest fucking thing I've ever been told.)

c. In dream-time, it's definitely the present day; I've lived in LA for quite a while, I've done everything I've done in real life, but I still have to be back in Bloomington "to finish" for some reason. Dream-Dan often makes a point of reflecting on the fact that he's back despite having a not-too-shabby discography. (Dream-Dan, like his real-life counterpart, is clearly a bit of a pretentious twat.)

d. The MFDC character is completely absent; the dream-setting is a strictly Dan thing.

What's throwing me here in terms of figuring out what my subconscious is trying to tell me is the fact that I DID finish school.

So... WTF?

Blog Jelly + Quote of the Day

2007-03-16T21:05:00.000-07:00

It has been called to my attention that lately my Blog Jelly has been "weak." After much reflection, I must reluctantly concede the truth of this statement.

As it happens, Mrs. Muppet, I HAVE been extremely busy Making Hits For The Kids.™ Is that so wrong? Why do you hate The Kids™, Muppie?

Anyhoo, did anyone else notice that the Dirty Dancing Soundtrack is now available on iTunes?

If there's anything that's better than a tender coming-of-age tale set in the Catskills during the pre-Beatles 60's, it's a tender coming-of-age tale set in the Catskills during the pre-Beatles 60's starring that beautiful man Patrick Swayze. And if there's anything even BETTER than a tender coming-of-age tale set in the Catskills during the pre-Beatles 60's starring that beautiful man Patrick Swayze, it's a tender coming-of-age tale set in the Catskills during the pre-Beatles 60's starring that beautiful man Patrick Swayze WHERE HE SINGS AN AWESOME SONG ON THE SOUNDTRACK. THAT HAS SEXY-ASS SAXOPHONE BREAKS. BEFORE THE ADVENT OF AUTO-TUNE. UNFORTUNATELY.

She's Like The Wind, my friends. Who's she? Deebo? Jennifer Grey? Valerie Plame? I don't know. Only Swayze knows for sure.

-----

Quote of the Day-

MFDG: "Helen Keller could probably identify a scent from MILES away."
MFDC: "But could she mix worth a SHIT? I didn't think so. Case closed."

Haiku of the Day

2007-03-11T22:43:00.001-07:00

I've not been writing;
C.J. says I should blog more.
Here ya go, buddy.

Quote of the Day

2007-02-24T21:16:00.000-08:00

MFDG: (Looking at the trash on the curb) "That chick already has her cans out!"
MFDC: "That is the best sentence EVER."

-----

Nephew = STILL Fucking Rad

2007-02-21T13:07:00.000-08:00

Stuff

2007-02-10T18:40:00.000-08:00

Quote of the Day-

"I'm a soup archaeologist, baby."

----

Haiku of the Day-

Holy fucking shit!
The fucking fucker is DONE.
Sweet Mother of Fuck!

----

This is the RIAA Platinam Award for Dio's Holy Diver at Sound City Studios in Van Nuys, CA. I can only hope I was able to capture the magic. That Special Magic that's like a Rainbow. A Rainbow in the DARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRK.

----

"Houseguest"

Almost Home

2007-02-04T14:17:00.000-08:00

Yeah.

Tired.

Mixing.

Sleeping.

Misspelling.

Also? I am the worst board labeler EVER. I mean, LOOK at that slop. God help the poor assistant who has to write that shit down.

Happy late birthday CJ and Rockdog.

That's all. And "cunt."

Sesh Pics

2007-01-23T21:38:00.000-08:00

Ibuprofen... because there's always pain.

Naqoyqatsi

2007-01-13T15:32:00.000-08:00

"The more it stays the same
the less it changes...
And that's The Majesty Of Rock!"

-Spinal Tap, "The Majesty Of Rock" (1992)

I'm graying at the temples.

Sigh.

The receding hairline thing bothers me a little, but it's old news and no longer a surprise. The salt-and-pepper thing is a recent and unwelcome development.

I'm 32 for fuck's sake!

2008 will be the 10-year anniversary of moving to Los Angeles from Indiana. That's a lot of friends made and lost, a lot of cigarettes smoked (up until '03 at least,) a lot of recordings, and approximately 87,600-mg of Prozac.

The point of all these very short paragraphs is that while I've earned my grays and will carry them well, I don't have to like it.

Woot.

----

I apologize for my lack of written output of late, but I have been tremendously busy. So busy I actually forgot to register my car with the DMV. I only mention that fact because I finally got pulled over for the first time ever!

Seriously. I am so incredibly lame I had never been pulled over before. EVER. So when the LAPD cruiser lit it up behind me, I was actually kind of stoked. It felt so good to be BAD. Bobby Fuller was singing "I Fought The Law" in my head while I practiced my James Dean "Je Ne Sais Quoi" in the rear-view mirror.

Just kidding. I was polite and courteous as always. (The Rebel Alliance would have kicked me out for sure... "Hey, c'mon you guys, don't you think maybe the Emperor has a valid point?")

---

"And that's The Majesty Of Rock!
The Mystery of Roll!
The darning of the sock,
The scoring of the goal!
The farmer takes a wife
The barber takes a pole.
We're in this together...and ever..."

-Spinal Tap, "The Majesty Of Rock" (1992)

Quotes of the Day

2006-12-28T18:26:00.000-08:00

"All my burps taste like cake! I'm really happy about that."

-and-

"There's no 'I' in 'team,' but there IS a 'U' in 'cunt.' Happy Holidays."

-mfdc

D+D Does Indiana

2006-12-23T19:49:00.000-08:00

I'm ALWAYS on the left.

Why?

I dunno.

I'm Lazy- More Pictures

2006-12-17T15:35:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry I haven't been particularly inspired to write lately. I could offer up the usual excuses about wrapping things up for the holidays and whatnot, but who would I be kidding?

I'm a lazy twat and I don't care who knows it.

SO.

Here's some more pictures-

Me and MFDG before her Birthday Par-tay:

MFDG's cake with 30 TRICK candles. AWESOME:

Xmas Stockings w/Disco Ball:

Woot.

MFPS Turns 1

2006-12-05T11:13:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday, Parker!

Check his awesome BABY MANDLES!!!

With WHITE SOCKS!!!

The Past Is Gay

2006-11-28T17:41:00.000-08:00

Oh Lord.

Also?

99¢

Please remind me of this the next time my head gets too big.

Thanks.

Happy Motherfucking Thanksgiving

2006-11-23T12:05:00.000-08:00

I don't have the energy for my usual sarcastic list of things that I'm thankful for.

BUT.

I'm thankful that MFDG is here.

This photograph also serves as proof that I wear the Akron shirt.

Woot.

Quote of the Day

2006-11-20T10:56:00.000-08:00

"I'm NOT pointing any fingers. I'm just saying that I wouldn't be surprised if, someday, every one of us who was involved with that record was rounded up by NATO and summarily shot."

-mfdc

Haiku of the Day

2006-11-07T10:52:00.000-08:00

What an awesome day!
Exercise democracy
and eat a McRib!

Gear And Lobster Onesie

2006-11-04T19:08:00.000-08:00

Haiku of the Day

2006-10-31T12:34:00.000-08:00

I want oversight.
In seven days, with some luck
I just might get it.

-mfdc

Quote of the Day

2006-10-22T12:13:00.000-07:00

"I'm not a sociopath, I just think empathy is for girls."

-mfdc

Busy As A Beaver

2006-10-18T13:07:00.000-07:00

I realize I haven't been blogging that many actual "words" lately, but there just isn't that much news.

I've been holed up in the Calabasas Hills tracking a new record for Clusterfuck Suck-Tunnel. There's going to be some slam-dunk hits on this one, including "Dental Beaver" and "(For The Love Of God Please Shave Your) Pit-Muff."

The MFDG has some good news, but I'll let her tell you.

Also, Pro-Tools on an Intel Mac is sickeningly fast, but since Auto-Tune doesn't run UB yet my system is effectively a very expensive paper-weight. Ah, the life of an Early Adopter.

What's new with you?

Nephew = Still Awesome

2006-10-13T10:39:00.000-07:00

Seriously.

More From The Shire

2006-10-12T15:43:00.000-07:00

Um. Yeah. Drunk. Very.

2006-10-08T13:52:00.000-07:00

Goodbye To An Old Friend

2006-10-01T17:43:00.000-07:00

I bought my Mac in January 2002.

It was a single-processor 933-MHz Quicksilver. At the time, Pro Tools didn't support dual-processors or OSX, so I got the fastest single-processor machine available at the time. I loaded it up with a full gig of RAM, a Super Drive, a Zip drive, Pro Tools 5.3 (the first revision to add High Definition Audio capability,) a SCSI card, and, of course, 3 brand-spankin' new Pro Tools HD PCI cards. I thought I was The Shit, and to be honest, I WAS The Shit.

Not very long after the system was put together I started recording Seether's Disclaimer, and we were off!

The computer never had a name, nor did I call it a "he" or "she." I referred to it as "the computer," "the Pro Tools machine," "the fucking computer," "goddamn computer," "you bitch-ass little twat, you will fucking work fucking NOW," etc.

Pro Tools 5 became Pro Tools 6 running on OSX, which became Pro Tools 7 which became Pro Tools 7.2. HD Process cards became HD Accel cards while removable-SCSI faded as the media of choice among professional engineers as Firewire became more reliable. G4's became G5's and and then PPC disappeared entirely with the introduction of the Intel-based Mac Pro. All the while my 933-MHz Quicksilver soldiered on as reliably as a computer running Pro Tools can through hundreds of projects (while collecting, as of this writing, 2,565 pictures of naked ladies. Woot.)

With the introduction of Pro Tools 7.21 for Mac Pro, it was time to face the need for a more modern machine, one with USB-2 and Firewire 800 capability and enough native processing horsepower to run sequencers and virtual instruments simultaneously with Pro Tools.

Next week I will likely be starting the long, excruciating process of converting my entire rig from the 933 MHz PPC to the new 2.66 GHz Quad-Core UB Mac Pro. I didn't want to let the occasion pass without a salute to my comrade-in-arms who's been with me from Seether's Gold Disclaimer in 2002 to John Fogerty's Platinum The Long Road Home In Concert in 2006.

Enjoy your retirement, friend. You've earned it!

Haiku of the Day

2006-09-24T14:16:00.000-07:00

Change is in the wind
Goodbye old gear, hello new!
Gear is the constant.

Quote of the Day

2006-09-18T13:34:00.000-07:00

"The song was originally a lullaby for specially-abled Algonquin chickens."

-mfdc

Workin' For The Weekend

2006-09-13T14:13:00.000-07:00

Haiku of the Day

2006-09-04T22:15:00.000-07:00

Three bucks a gallon;
Real wages are in decline;
Happy Labor Day!

Nephew = Awesome

2006-08-30T06:52:00.000-07:00

Play Hard.

Sleep Hard.

MFPS.

Woot!

Yanni Is BACK!

2006-08-24T21:17:00.000-07:00

The Hair. The Moustache. The 7/8 Time. The C-Major Noodling. Again, that Beautiful, BEAUTIFUL Moustache.

Yanni. Is. Back!

Yanni, everyone's favorite women's advocate, has returned with a new live set recorded in Las Vegas.

Now I know what my NRG peeps are thinking: "But MFDC... wasn't Live At The Acropolis the definitive live Yanni performance?"

I would authoritatively retort, "While Acropolis WAS his finest moment, he hasn't ceased to be a live Easy Listening force to be reckoned with."

Then I would say, "Holy Christ, I'm a GAYLORD."

Also, I would say that you were "garbage" and, as such, "should be packing [your] things in garbage bags."

Coolest. Thing. Ever.

2006-08-19T16:37:00.000-07:00

Wee Ninjas

Quote of the Day

2006-08-16T23:02:00.000-07:00

"Applejack is like douche for UNIX."

-mfdc

Inspirational Thought of the Day

2006-08-14T13:04:00.000-07:00

Thanks to http://echosphere.net/star_trek_insp/star_trek_insp.html.

Haiku of the Day

2006-08-10T10:54:00.000-07:00

A "Red Alert." Hmmmmm...
Republi-Nazi liars
changing the subject?

Sore Loserman

2006-08-08T21:01:00.000-07:00

Joe Lieberman is complicit in the deaths of nearly 3000 American servicemen and women as well as untold hundreds of thousands Iraqis and Afghanis.

Having just lost the Democratic primary, he's announced his intention to run as an independent. The blatant contempt that he holds for the will of the voters is proof positive that Joe Lieberman has become 100% Republican.

Let's bury this motherfucker.

If you have it, donate-
Contribute to Ned Lamont

Email Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid and demand that Joe Lieberman be stripped of ALL of his committee assignments-
Email Harry Reid

Cali peeps should inform our 2 Democratic Senators that we expect them to support Lamont in the general election-
Email Dianne Feinstein
Email Barbara Boxer

"Rebellion against tyrants is obedience to God."
-attributed to many Very Smart Dudes, like Thomas Jefferson, Benjamin Franklin, William Penn, Sean Penn, Kevin Bacon, Kato Kalin, and Yanni.

iTunes: Introspective Vag-Rock And More

2006-08-06T13:20:00.000-07:00

Vienna Teng, one of my faves, released "Dreaming Through The Noise" a couple of weeks ago. I'm still wrapping my head around it; it's far more nuanced and sophisticated than her previous work (which was already Smarter Than Your Average Bear.) It's holding up to repeated listening so far, though, and I love her voice in any context.

------

I ask you, what pop music collection would be complete without these turds-

"All For Love"
"Jump"
"Everybody Have Fun Tonight"

I expect you all to Wang Chung tonight.

No, really. If you're not all furiously Wang Chunging after sundown, I'll hit you with a pipe. Thanks.

Haiku of the Day

2006-08-01T14:32:00.000-07:00

Bootable backups;
Entropy can bite my ass!
Productive downtime.

Dr. Goebbels and My Fucking Teeth

2006-07-26T12:55:00.000-07:00

I am an Anti-Dentite.

A startling admission, I'm sure, coming from a self-described "proud liberal." I think even the most PC individual has a side of themselves they keep well hidden, a place where long-held prejudices live on long after we've convinced ourselves they've been excised.

Like most virulent haters, I've said things like "But I really liked this ONE dentist I had..." in order to make myself look more reasonable and and open-minded.

The truth is, though, I am the Ann Coulter of dentistry. Except without the huge Adam's apple. And, unlike Ann, I acknowledge that I have a penis. Also, I don't call for the deaths of Supreme Court Justices because they've upheld the Constitutional rights of dentists or wish out loud that Timothy McVeigh had bombed the offices of Dentistry Magazine. Nor am I a best-selling author or a batshit-crazy looney-tune Republi-Nazi freak.

Anyhoo.

A piece of my rear-most bottom-left molar chipped away a few days ago while I was chewing some Orbit Lemon-Lime Sugarless Gum. Since my token "good dentist" is back in Merrillville, Indiana, I made an appointment with "Dr. Goebbels."

"Dr. Goebbels" is the name I've given my Burbank dentist. I first visited him a 4 or 5 years ago when I got my very first cavity, which revealed itself when I was biting down on some Nerds. Dr. Goebbels did competent work, but it was the it was the constant Dentionist PROPAGANDA that drove me nuts.

"You really SHOULD schedule an appointment every six months..."
"The best dental care is PREVENTION..."
"No, seeing a dentist every 5 years is not enough..."

And then the phone calls started.

"Daniel, this is Eva from Dr. Goebbels' office, and we wanted to remind you that it's time to make an appointment..."
"Daniel, this is Magda from Dr. Goebbels' office, have you found another Dental Provider? We haven't seen you in 2 years..."

Eventually, I disconnected my landline and the calls stopped, but not before I was scarred permanently.

So it's with great trepidation that I step into The Office once again to have my new trouble looked at. And then? I'll make an appointment in another 4 or 5 years. If Dr. Goebbels doesn't like it, he can take his perfect teeth and BITE ME.

Because Typing Is For Gaylords

2006-07-19T23:24:00.000-07:00

Quotes of the Day

2006-07-13T12:51:00.000-07:00

"Why? I don't even communicate with the people IN my life."

-and-

"I sincerely hope that the fucking dogs EAT the fucking horse and that they both choke to death on the gristle."

-mfdc

Haiku of the Day

2006-07-11T01:06:00.000-07:00

In my ripe old age
Have I mellowed out a bit?
Nah! Fuck off, cunt-face!

Rose Garden, Santa Barbara CA

2006-07-06T15:14:00.000-07:00

The Apple Police and The Wisdom of Gerry Rafferty

2006-06-28T03:13:00.000-07:00

"I heard her speak but all the words were dead
We talked all night and left it all unsaid
So we agree to disagree
At least weve got our memory"

-Gerry Rafferty, "Whatever's Written In Your Heart," currently what I'm listening to on my new motherfucking BLACK 60G iPod Video.

Apple now has a profanity filter on the webpage where you choose the engraving for the back of your iPod. Apparently the 6-year-old kids at the Chinese sweatshops where these things are assembled were getting really offended in-between the vicious beatings and subsistencee-level "meals" of rice mush mixed with pig-shit. Pussies.

So Gayle, you now have one of only 2 "Motherfucking Dan Certa" iPods inexistencee. Take care of it until the Smithsonian comes for it.

In lieu of an actual engraved iPod, here's some examples of What Might Have Been:

"Maybe Ive always set my sights too high
You take the easy way and still get by
I know there aint no special way
We all get there anyway"

-Gerry Rafferty, "Whatever's Written In Your Heart"

Woot.

Quote of the Day

2006-06-24T02:10:00.000-07:00

"Bad file management makes the Baby Jesus cry."

-mfdc

Haiku of the Day

2006-06-21T22:52:00.000-07:00

Kill, Profit, Repeat.
It's what Jesus wants. Really.
Kill, Profit, Repeat.

The Long Road Home From Wherehouse

2006-06-13T20:55:00.000-07:00

"The Long Road Home: In Concert" came out today. I've never had an on-screen credit before, so forgive me for being a little bit stoked. Henceforth, I join the ranks of such End-Title Legends as Deebo and Fox. In fact, the credit plus the beard pretty much makes me George Lucas, minus the gajillions of dollars and the ignobility of having created Jar-Jar Binks.

When I was picking up the Fogerty DVD, guess what was On Sale in the used rack? Yep. The Motherfucking "Best Of Lionel Richie." You KNOW I bought it.

Other Recent Music Buys-

Dashboard Confessional - "Don't Wait"
(I'm not sure why I like this, but I do, PLUS it comes with a pretty effin good cover of "In A Big Country.")

Imogen Heap - "Speak For Yourself"
(I know, I know, I should have already had this album, but the two singles were already in my collection. Also, you're no doubt aware I'm ALWAYS behind the curve of what's cool. I JUST got some Air Jordans.)

Kate Bush - "Wuthering Heights"
(I've been mildly obsessed with Kate Bush lately, this song in particular. I really have not a single fucking clue why this song, based on the Emily Bronte novel of the same name, has so much emotional resonance with me right now, but I THINK it's because I'm a pretentious, self-absorbed cunt.)

80's Fever!
"Drive"
"You Might Think"
"Kyrie"
"Straight Up"

------

Before I leave the subject of TLRH DVD, let's have a big Danland "Woot Woot!" for Jim Scott, whose awesome mixes make it sound as though I know what I'm doing.

Woot!

Quote of the Day

2006-06-11T21:52:00.000-07:00

"His hidden depths are very well hidden."

-mfdc

What I Did Today

2006-06-06T14:07:00.000-07:00

- I ate a #4.

- I voted.

- I stuck my head out of my Passat window and actually yelled, "YOU FUCKING WHORE!" at the lady who didn't follow the clockwise protocol of 4-way stops. Her window was down, so I hope she heard it. Bitch.

- I picked up Live's "Songs From Black Mountain" only to discover they credited everyone involved in the string recording but me. Oh well. I got the check.

- On the same trip, I bought "Taking The Long Way" by The Dixie Chicks. I bought it mainly to support their brave stance against the war, but ended up really liking it on its own merits!

- That's about it. Motherfucking exciting as fuck, eh?

Haiku of the Day

2006-06-02T23:20:00.000-07:00

Mandles and black socks;
My big toe yearns for Freedom!
Go, little piggy!

Mack On Some Cupcakes

2006-05-29T18:47:00.000-07:00

This is me in Manhattan with an empty box.

About 20 seconds earlier, the box had contained scrumpt-motherfucking-diddly-umptious Magnolia Cupcakes.

I highly recommend a trip to Magnolia when you're in NYC. If you don't Luuuuuuuurv these cupcakes you must be some kind of hideously evil cuntwad.

Thanks to Deebo for taking this photo and eating half of the cupcakes!

Haiku of the Day

2006-05-29T18:42:00.000-07:00

I can hear the sounds
of my homies on Hooper;
Brooklyn Represent!

Haiku of the Day

2006-05-23T15:13:00.000-07:00

Waiting For Godot
Even shit can be genius
when you're living it.

Quote of the Day

2006-05-17T23:07:00.000-07:00

"No, I actually take prescription medication for its intended purpose... which, when put explicitly into words like that, really drives the point home that I'm a fucking square."

-mfdc

Stop And Smell The Bamboo

2006-05-17T23:05:00.000-07:00

Neil Young: Living With War

2006-05-09T11:10:00.000-07:00

Buy It.

UPDATE: Carter Vanilli Hooks My Shit UP

2006-05-08T14:03:00.000-07:00

Kristoffer Carter, gentleman and scholar (mostly gentleman,) has come to my rescue with MP3's of Milli Vanilli's album "Girl You Know It's True." Despite the Liberal Media's best efforts to bury this gem in the Shitpile of Time, it's now assured that future generations will be able to enjoy such lyrics as:

"Like a honeybee you took the best of me.
Now I can't erase those memories.
Like a fairytale you were so unreal.
You left a scar that's so hard to heal."

Speaking of "I'm Gonna Miss You," it's clear now where Fer found his inspiration for the beat of "Good Morning." I'm just saying.

Thanks, Kris!!!